The (two week) wait is over!

When you're on vacation, two weeks feels like three days.  When you're waiting to find out whether your IVF worked, two weeks crawls by at a snails pace.  I spent the first few days taking it easy, lounging around and letting my wonderful mother in law cook and clean.  It was a nice mini vacation of sorts.  On about day five, I was super tired and started to feel light cramping, so of course, I googled my symptoms.  Not a good idea!  Its possible to spend hours pouring through blogs and forums and find a million different best and worst case scenarios.  After a good long troll on the internet, I decided it was best to avoid any more "research" and try to keep busy.  I felt twinges consistently until day eight, when they slowed down.  I had a strong feeling that I was pregnant, but I wasn't sure whether it was wishful thinking or the real thing.  By day ten, my husband offered at least three times to pick up a home pregnancy test.  I repeatedly declined, mostly because I wanted to find out from the clinic at the same time as the IPs.  If I'm honest, I was also really scared of taking a test and it being negative.  The IPs and I referred to these feelings as cautiously excited.  We wanted to think nothing but good thoughts, but it was impossible to ignore the 45% chance that things didn't work as we hoped.
Finally, test day came.  It was a simple blood draw at 7:00 am, and the time between then and 1:30 pm, when I got the results, felt like an eternity.  I am pregnant!  It's still early but my HCG levels were great.  Two more blood tests over the next week to ensure levels continue to rise.  Fingers crossed!

I made this shirt for my FaceTime call with the IPs, but before they even got a chance to notice it, I blurted out the news, too excited to keep it in.  It was a humbling, exciting, wonderful feeling to share this news with the parents to be, just one more perk of this adventure!

Blastocyst Grading

Transfer day!

Have you ever seen the Friends episode where Phoebe becomes a surrogate for her brother?  If you have, you probably remember this moment; her pep talk to the embryos and her plea for them to stick.  Of course, television is grossly inaccurate and there is no way a reputable fertility clinic would allow you to be alone in the room like this, but the feeling, the pleading to work?  That is the real deal.
After what seemed like so much waiting, the transfer day came at me like a freight train.  I went to bed  as cool as a cucumber and woke up feeling as if all the hormones I had been putting into my body hit me at once.  I was a wreck!  What scared me the most was that up to that point, I had been in charge.  I took my meds routinely, ate well, avoided all the things I was supposed to, and followed every instruction I was given.  Once the transfer took place, it was up to nature and science, and I had no control over any of it.  I wanted it to work so badly, and was afraid of letting my intended parents down.  I texted them and they were not only supportive, but grateful for my honesty in sharing my feelings.  Its important to be able to openly share the bad as well as the good and work through it as a team.  I consider myself incredibly lucky to have IP's who are caring and involved in everything I'm doing.  They reminded me that we are in this together, and that made all the difference.  Once we met up with them at the clinic, all my worries vanished.
This is a time when its also important to have a reliable support system.  I put out a call to rally my closest supporters, asking for positive thoughts and boy, they sure delivered!  I received so many reassuring texts, photos and calls that I was again overwhelmed with emotion, but this time, calming and happy!
The waiting room was packed when we arrived at the fertility clinic and it was fun to watch the interactions around us.  I could tell which women were there for transfers, as they were all chugging water as vigorously as I was.  (I was instructed to ingest a large bottle of water upon arrival)  It seemed that they were all surrounded by groups of people, so I assumed that most of them were surrogates as well.  That thought made my heart so happy!

Baby's first photo

The transfer procedure was an indescribable experience.  There was a slight buzz about the room, as we were all a bit nervous, but also excited and optimistic.  We observed as the 5BB+ embryo (you can learn more about the grading scale in the post titled "Blastocyst Grading") was transferred into a catheter, and then on a separate monitor, saw it placed into my uterus.  It was so quick that it literally flashed on the screen and was done.  It was quicker than getting a routine pap, and much less uncomfortable, so much less in fact that I didn't feel a thing.
Now that it's over, we have what is commonly referred to as the two week wait (2ww) before my first blood test to check my HGC (pregnancy hormone) levels.  Never has two weeks seemed like such a long time!

Medications: Phase Three and Four

Since beginning this journey, I've become quite comfortable using words such as uterus and vaginal.  If you're following this blog, you might as well get comfortable as well.  Go ahead and say each one out loud a few times.  I'll wait...

After my second monitoring appointment, my uterine lining wasn't as thick as is preferred, so I was instructed to add a vaginal suppository called Estrace to my daily routine.  Estrace is a little blue pill, a description which makes me giggle every time I use it.  Like the "other" little blue pill on the market, Estrace seems to be a power hitter and after four days, my lining was in prime condition.  Usage isn't exactly ideal, as the size alone makes it a bit tricky to get into place.  It also leaves behind a blue residue, which is a bit strange to see every morning.
Once the Estrace did its job, I got the go ahead for the final round of medications, which dropped the Lupron and started Progesterone in Oil (PIO for short).  The PIO is an intramuscular injection in the upper, outer quadrant of the gluteus maximus.  Let's just say that I'm glad mine has some extra padding!  The needle was intimidating, as was the thought of relinquishing control to my husband, who graciously agreed to help me out.  I made him watch training videos ahead of time, watched him cringe at the sight of the needle, and that in turn made me nervous.  PIO is the only medication which is administered in the morning, and since he gets on the 6:30 train into the city, I've seen some pretty early mornings.  The upside is that we get to enjoy a few minutes of quiet in the mornings now, just the two of us, and I've found the new routine to be a great way to start the day.  The injections aren't nearly as bad as I feared.  I ice the area beforehand while I get everything ready, then once its done, I use a ball roller to massage the area for a minute, then do ten minutes on a heating pad.  I haven't had any crazy muscle aches, as I've read is common in some women, but I do have quite a few bruises back there!  My husband handles it like a professional and I am incredibly lucky to have his full support.
Along with PIO, I added Medrol and Doxycyclin to my daily routine, and also increased to four estrogen patches every 48 hours.  The Medrol is an immuno-suppressor, used to stop my body from fighting off the foreign cells (the embryo) upon transfer.  Its taken four times a day, at very specific times, and I'll be the first to admit that I'm no good at keeping schedules like that.  The alarm feature on my phone is my lifeline to remembering, so between the Medrol alarms and the ones I use to for all my other daily reminders, like getting my son to the bus stop, I had eight alarms going off at different times of the day.  Anything to make sure I'm doing what needs to be done!

Medication-Phase 2

Last week I went in for my baseline appointment at the fertility clinic.  They did a blood draw to check my hormonal levels as well as an ultrasound.  The ultrasound was necessary to check the lining of my uterus, which at this point, they want to be thinned out from the Lupron.  They also checked my ovaries, I am assuming to make sure they've temporarily shut down.  Everything looked as it should, so I got the OK to begin the next phase of medications.  I have dropped the Lupron dosage level to 5 units and have added estrogen patches and baby aspirin to my daily regimen.  The estrogen patches will thicken up my uterine lining, while the baby aspirin very slightly thins out my blood and is believed to help during implantation.
The Lupron shots are quite easy to give and for the first week, I didn't notice any side effects, other than a slight itching at the injection site, which lasted only a few minutes.  I did notice that on days that I didn't itch, I developed a small bruise instead.  A little over a week in, the side effects became more noticeable, mainly fatigue and headaches.  The grossest thing so far has been what is called scaling.  Definition: Abnormal shedding or accumulation of an upper layer of skin" I noticed that my feet were kind of dry and itchy so I put some lotion on in the morning.  The next morning after my shower, the skin was literally hanging off my feet, huge clumps that kind of looked like blisters.  It didn't hurt, just looked really awful.  I went out and bought a pedicure set with a pumice stone and one of those heel grater things, soaked my feet and then gave them a good scrape and they are looking much better.  I'm just glad its still boot weather outside, so I can hide my toes until things are back to normal!

The estrogen patches I'm using are called Estradiol

and are meant to stay on for 48 hours at a time.  I had an issue with adhesion the first day and ended up using bandaids and gauze to keep them in place.  I did some research (thanks Google!) and found that prepping the area first with an alcohol pad works wonders.  The packages seem huge and I was wondering how I was going to comfortably fit two of them (and later on four) on one arm, but as you can see from the photo of me above, the actual patches are much smaller.
Common side effects of estrogen patches include cramping, bloating and headaches.  So far I've felt the headaches but I'm also dealing with seasonal allergies, so I'm not 100% certain its because of the estrogen.  Things are going smoothly and everything has been easy to manage, more so than I ever imagined it would be!

Why surrogacy- Part Two

I don't usually do online quizzes or things like that, but it was a quiet nap time and I was intrigued so I took one and thought the results were pretty spot on...
"You are a very emotional, caring and dedicated person.  You believe that there is a bigger picture in life, one that we can't really see, but we can feel.  You re very compassionate, strong minded, and devoted to your beliefs.  Although you tend to get melancholic, your ability to empathize for others is a true gift and you possess a sort of kindness that is rare"
Ok, so maybe I see myself as more sunshine than melancholy, but the overall point is there.  I believe in the bigger picture, the grander scheme of things.  I believe that this world needs more kindness and love, the kind that starts with family.
My heart is overflowing with love for the two small beings who I am lucky enough to call mine.  I can't imagine my world without them.  After we had our second, we knew our family was complete, but I didn't feel like I was "done".  Around that same time, I reconnected with a college friend who was herself a surrogate and works for a surrogacy agency.  One conversation with her and I was convinced that this was for me. It took a few more conversations to get my husband on board.  He was concerned about health risks, something going wrong and having to raise our children alone.  (He sees the big picture a little differently than I do sometimes.)  By the time we actually met with the surrogacy agency, we had discussed the details enough that we were both equally excited to begin.
This is our chance to be part of the bigger picture, to spread a little more love into the world.  My husband and I teach our children to do good for others, to give selflessly and we see this as a way to show them what we mean.  We love our children fiercely and fully and empathize with those that would do the same if they had the chance.  My heart aches for those that yearn for a family but are unable to do it on their own.  If you have the chance to speak with someone who has used a surrogate, watch the way their eyes light up when they talk about their child/children.  The road they have traveled to get to that point is so long and uncertain, and there is nothing but joy and thankfulness in their hearts.

Medications-Phase One

Monday I officially start medications.  I will begin with an injection of a drug called Lupron.  Its a small injection in the fatty tissue of my stomach, so it should be relatively painless.  In order to regulate and balance out my hormones, as well as prepare my body for the embryo implantation, we first have to suppress my body's natural instincts.  Essentially, Lupron forces my body into a pseudo- menopausal state.  It will thin out the lining of my uterus and prepare it for the next stage, which will add hormones back in to thicken the lining and make it sticky.  I can look forward to all the joys of menopausal discomfort, including but not limited to headaches and insomnia.  Sounds like a perfect time to get a few extra books at the library to keep my mind busy when I can't sleep!  
I have had a few people ask whether I am nervous or excited, and truth be told, I'm both.  I'm a little nervous about the side effects, worried about a hormonal imbalance, afraid I might turn into a raging lunatic!  More importantly though, I am excited for this to finally begin.  It was less than six months ago that I was filling out the initial surrogacy application, but it feels like so much time has passed.  Each day I grow more excited about the possibility of seeing this through to the end, seeing a family hold their child for the first time, to see the love in their eyes and to see a family complete.  This hope  far outweighs any nervous thoughts I may have at the moment and I look forward to the beginning.

Why surrogacy Part One (Making MY family)

I have wanted to be a mother for most of my life, from the time I was about eight.  I have this memory of holding my cousin, stroking her tiny little fingers, amazed at her translucent eye lids.  The way her small chest rose and fell as she slept peacefully in my arms.  Something awoke in me that day, a yearning to have a family of my own.
After about a year of marriage, my husband and I decided to start "trying" for a baby.  He was gone quite a bit for work and as you know, timing is everything.  Each month, in the days before my period, I would cling to the hope that it wasn't coming.  I would imagine instead, the pure joy of knowing this was the month, the month when I would start to become a mother.  Seven or eight months passed this way; the hope and then the agony of knowing I wasn't pregnant.   Many of those months ended in tears.
That winter, my husband took a long trip to Hawaii.  I was working at a bank in a small Alaskan town at the time.  After more than a month out to sea, his boat appeared on the horizon, and my boss sent me home early to greet him.  It seems our timing was finally right and within a month, we were expecting Baby Number 1.
My pregnancy was easy.  Other than some nasty morning sickness in the beginning and some heartburn at the end, I felt nothing but happiness and love for the child growing inside of me.  Labor was the craziest, hardest, and most rewarding experience.  After thirteen long hours at the hospital, my son was born.  I was in a daze the first time they placed him on my chest, exhausted and emotionally drained.  After the nurses cleaned him up and gave him to me a second time, a wave of calm washed over me.  I counted his ten perfect fingers, kissed his tiny nose and watched as his chest rose and fell.  Everything was right in the world.
Within the first year, we moved back to the lower forty-eight and began to adjust to life outside of Alaska.  We were overwhelmed with the hustle and bustle of city life, the traffic jams and the forty-plus hour work-weeks we fell into.  We were happy with our little boy and felt that it wasn't the right time to bring a second child into the world.
We moved again three years later.  I found a job that I loved, one where I was appreciated and one that didn't stress me out daily.  It felt like the right atmosphere in which to be pregnant again, so we started "trying".  I had my IUD removed in late November, and by April I was pregnant.  Again, other than morning sickness (this time a bit more intense), my pregnancy was easy.   Labor was much easier too.  I was at the hospital for less than four hours before my daughter was born.  When the nurse handed her to me for the first time, I wasn't drained, but wide awake and hungry to see her, to smell her fuzzy head and kiss her tiny nose.  Looking down at her, I was overjoyed.  Later that evening, when it was time for our son to visit, he climbed into my hospital bed, and held his sister gently. With my husband next to me and both kids in my arms, I knew this one thing with certainty- our family was complete.
Fast forward two years.  We've moved again.  (Thats military life!)  We have an eight year old and a two year old.  Six years apart and those two are still peas in a pod.  No one can make them laugh like the other can.
Parenting isn't easy.  Its an uphill battle, and some days, we feel like we're rolling backward in the wrong direction.  But let me tell you, on the good days, the ones without toddler tantrums, hunger induced bad attitudes or messes that never seem to disappear, it is the best job in the world.  When your children crawl in your lap, grab you by the cheeks, plant a big sloppy kiss on your lips, and whisper "I love you", its enough to make your heart explode.

Medications arrive!

You know you're a surrogate when a huge bag of medicines arrive at your doorstep and you're excited about it!  It's still about a month until I begin treatments, but just knowing we're on our way is a huge step forward.  We've been waiting for what seems like forever, but I'm sure our intended family's wait has been much longer.